he Beijnger 是北京卖得最好的英文杂志，新出刊的第五期有一个专题：北京最丑的建筑是哪一个？根据建筑畅言网上的评比，摘列出了2010年和2011年的上榜建筑十九处，附上专家和该刊评语，留待读者评判。正如专题的副标题所言：We'll be the judge of that.
    其中专家评语是庄语，杂志评语多谑语，各人心中有数就是。北京的杂志，大约也就只有这个杂志能做这样的专题，兹转录如下。偷个懒，原文就不翻译了。
 
 
Why does Bei j ing have more than its share of massive modern monoliths?
Whether it was the Olympics or the prestige of an address in China’s capital, various worldrenowned
building-makers have stamped their particular brand on our skyline.
But where there’s a boom there’s a bust … and Archcy.com have pointed out more busts than a Florentine tour guide. Forthe last two years, this architecture website has held a contest to determine China’s ugliest buildings, and Beijing has had more than its share of contenders.
To ensure that the selection was rigorous, the Archcy.com folks held brainstorming workshops in
Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Tianjin, Xi’an and other cities. More than 50 industry experts reviewed architectural trends and eventually settled on the selection criteria:

1) bad functionality (form trumping function);
2) clashing with the natural environment or surrounding buildings;
3) subconscious imitation of existing buildings;
4) slavish devotion to antique styles;
5) hodgepodge of architectural elements;
6) intentional plagiarism;
7) clumsy use of symbolism or metaphor;
8) vulgar mutation; 9) brazen over-the-top design.
 
Guomao Phase 3
国贸三期
 
The experts say: “Beijing’s tallest architecture landmark. Seen from afar, this building and
the ‘Big Pants’ certainly bring out the best in each other.”
the Beijinger says: Beijing’s lankiest has extra charm for the reason that it looks like they
can clip another few stories onto the top whenever anyone else gets close to overtaking
them. That’s a practicality not seen since they started to feature zip-in fleeces in ski jackets.
Ingenious.
 
Global Finance Information Center
环球财讯中心

The experts say: “It sits on Beijing’s Financial Street, but its black exterior is so alienated from
the surroundings that it offends the eye like an extraterrestrial standing on the street corner.
Many people are jokingly calling it the ‘Big Dice.’”
the Beijinger says: There was a period when CGI demanded all science fiction films to portray
aliens as comingfrom some innocuous precious object that then splits open and gets all
state-of-the-art high-tech light and water effect. This building may be the last sight the people
of Financial Street get before the invasion.
 
Beijing’s “Card Building”
北京卡片楼

The experts say: “This residential building is located in Fengtai District. Viewed from the side, it looks as thin as a card – hence its nickname. Viewed from above, it is a triangle. Anyone who does look at it from the side will be given the illusion that the building has no thickness, and that behind the windows there are no rooms but just sky.”
the Beijinger says: This building is like finding out that Santa’s actually your Dad and that magic comes in a box with instructions. You’re freaked out – but then you realize that you still get presents and that you can learn to trick people with cards.
 
Qing Zhi Yuan
清芷园

The experts say: “Why throw in an arch when a building is fine without it? Rumor has it that this area is haunted, therefore when they were designing Qing Zhi Yuan, they put an arch in its center for feng shui reasons.”
the Beijinger says: Everyone loves an arch. The popularity of archery, the Golden Arches and the prefix “arch-” are all proof of this. These arches seem to be a case of showing off, which gives it the appearance of a Viennetta-based wedding cake.

 
CCTV Headquarters
中央电视台演播大楼新楼

The experts say: “There’s nothing left to say about the ‘Big Pants.’ Just one point: The amount of laughter this building has given to Chinese citizens far exceeds its artistic value.”
the Beijinger says: Rem Koolhaas’ futuristic 3-D reimagining of Tetris is as much a symbol of
Beijing as any other building before or since. Like it or lump it, they say. We say: Like it.
 
Jinmao Center
北京金茂中心

The experts say: “Its oversized body and poor design clashes with the surroundingarea. Its structural ratio is unbalanced, and the choice of color and building materials are an affront to aesthetic standards.”
“The form and function of the building don’t match. History will judge it harshly.”
the Beijinger says: Upside-down is an unusual thing for a building to come across as. This is more top-heavy than Dolly Parton perched on a unicycle upon the crest of a hillock and equally as preposterously
out of place.
 
Jinquan Times Building
北京金泉时代

The experts say: “Its all-steel frame structure encompasses 370,000 tons of steel, equivalent to twothirds of what was required to build the Bird’s Nest. The building’s distinctive features (being shaped like a gold ingot, traditional red pillars and palace-style lamps) make it quite unlike anything else on the market right now.”
the Beijinger says: Despite initial appearances, this reminds us of one of nature’s cruelest displays: the iridescent sheen of having left bacon too long in the fridge. Unnerving.
 
YuanchenxinInternational Hotel
北京元辰鑫国际酒店

The experts say: “It makes us think of Thailand. And why is the China International Science and Technology Convention Center part of it? Which scientific principles is this building meant to embody?”
the Beijinger says: They’ve captured the spirit of Blaster in the Transformers but then given our boombox friend a Decepticon makeover. This building’s overbearing angularity falls somewhere between Thatcher and Game of Thrones – not exactly everyone’s cup of tea.
 
Dacheng Plaza
北京大成广场

The experts say: “Just off the Second Ring Road, a building like this appears – truly an eyesore. A building may have a hat, but why must you add two epaulets?”
the Beijinger says: This looks like you can push down the tops of the towers on each wing and then … three seconds later the building will either spring into the air or give you a Pez.
 
China Travel Service (CTS) Plaza Hotel
北京中旅大厦

The experts say: “The CTS Plaza Hotel is located on the North Third Ring Road near the Airport Expressway. It’s tall. It has a certain imposing grandeur. But it’s wearing several very weird gold hats. Those hats make the building unbearable to gaze upon. If you must look at the building, only look at the bottom half.”
the Beijinger says: As if the world’s largest collection of revolving restaurants were assembled in one place, but in the excitement they got the dimensions wrong and they all got stuck on the first go-round.
 
PetroChina Headquarters
中国石油大厦

The experts say: “The PetroChina Building cost RMB 5 billion to build. The toilets alone cost RMB 500,000.” “Of course, they don’t mention the heated toilets that are maintained at a temperature of
38-40 degrees. Their PR is about how this and that oil field have helped cut down on winter heating bills; these savings have no doubt been used to keep all the toilets heated.”
the Beijinger says: High-priced bathrooms aside, this building’s a little more dull than ugly. It’s like talking to a model and finding them to be well-proportioned but overly shiny, and somehow all too dull.
 
Beijing Geely University Library
北京吉利大学图书馆

The experts say: “Another copy of the White House. Geely cars are all shanzhai ... so Geely
University has to be a copycat as well?”
the Beijinger says: This looks like a 3-D jigsaw of a certain Washington, D.C. building (but
it’s not the White House). It’s impressive that someone can have assembled it, but now
you’ll always picture them with sticky hands in their basement. Disturbing.
 
Emperor Hotel
河北燕郊北京天子大酒店

The experts say: “The building is in the shape of three people! Vulgar in the extreme.”
the Beijinger says: This is what we always hoped Beijing would look like. Magic.
 
Pangu Plaza
北京盘古大观

The experts say: “A torch, a dragon head, or a building?”
the Beijinger says: Strangely reassuring despite being unapologetically Other. There are not many buildings that look like hair clippers or a discarded draft of the Olympic mascots or an anvil – but anything that at once brings back memories of barbers, sports and cartoons is OK with us.
 
National Centre for the Performing Arts (NCPA)
国家大剧院

The experts say: “‘The Big Tomb,’ with its massive oval-shaped body, looks like an UFO landed on Chang’an Dajie. The clash with everything around it makes it super eye-catching. Completely incompatible
with the political and cultural environment of nearby Tiananmen. Shakespeare said: In every thousand people, a thousand are Hamlet. If you ask us, out of every thousand people, 1001 would find this
building ugly.”
the Beijinger says: What's in a name? That which we call The Egg by any other name would still look like light through yonder broken window. Exceedingly oval.

 

Chateau Zhang Laffitte
拉斐特城堡庄园

The experts say: “According to the New York Times, when this Beijing developer/ex-official visited France, he was deeply touched by the 17th century Chateau Maisons-Laffitte near the Seine. He quickly acted on it. Using the chateau’s original blueprint and more than 10,000 photos, he replicated that castle in Changping District, naming it ‘Chateau Zhang Laffitte.’ It is a French chateau plus imperial palace plus Italian colonnade, complete with moat and dome and all other kinds of ‘European influences.’ Simply put, this is an example of modern vulgarity.”
the Beijinger says: If you had all of the money in the world, would you not want to make a fairytale castle to trap princesses in and then fight off knights? You would if you lived in Changping. Visors off, well played.
 
Chinatex Building
中纺大厦

The experts say: “The Chinatex Building and the All-China Women’s Federation are linked for 18 floors. On the roof, there’s a tower-shaped antenna that is extremely unsightly. The antenna simply doesn’t harmonize with the building as a whole.”
the Beijinger says: There’s something so very 21st Century about this. It looks like a chrome-visored helmet ready to lift up and spill a nation’s textile secrets at any second.
 
CNOOC Building
北京中海油大厦

The experts say: “Looks like a shopping basket, a funnel, an oil can. Genuinely ugly!”
the Beijinger says: A mirrored-mosaic jewelry box for a giant – whose collection is made entirely out of obscure-shaped ethnic pieces that they collected on their travels round Southeast Asia.
 
 
 
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