| 送交者: icemessenger[♂☆★★★SuperMod★★★☆♂] 于 2019-08-05 19:20 已读 462 次 | icemessenger的个人频道 |
幽默是生活的调剂，智慧的火花，沟通的捷径。司各特说：幽默是多么艳丽的服饰，又是何等忠诚的卫士！它永远胜过诗人和作家的智慧；它本身就是才华，它能杜绝愚昧。
I teach middle-school choir and occasionally have my own children in class. One day my son asked if he could have a pencil. As a teacher, I normally do not lend items to unprepared students; but as a mother，I help my children whenever I can. I asked my son whether he was speaking to his teacher or his mother. He replied，“It depends on who has the pencil." 6park.com我教初中的唱诗班，偶尔会教到自己的孩子。一天，我儿子问我是否能借给他一支铅笔。作为一位老师，我一般不借东西给那些不做课堂准备的学生。但作为一位母亲，我应随时帮助我的孩子。于是，我问儿子他是在跟老师说话，还是在跟母亲说话。而他却说:“那要看谁有铅笔了。”
母亲与教师 6park.com
执行指令 6park.comMy friend Gilbert and some other truck drivers were to deliver loads of gravel out in the country. The directions they were given said to go down a certain road and, when they came to a cow tied to a fence post, to turn right. 6park.com我朋友吉尔波特和一些卡车司机到农村去送沙石。他们得到的地址只说沿着某条路一直走，当看到一头牛拴在蒸笆柱上时，就向右转。 6park.comWhile Gilbert was driving along slowly，he came upon a farmer leading a cow down the road. Assuming this was his landmark, he stopped and asked the man where his cow had been tied. After Gilbert explained why he wanted to know， the farmer took the cow back and tied it to the post. All the loads got delivered. 6park.com正当吉尔波特开车续续前进时，他看见一位农夫牵着一头牛沿路而来。他猜测这就是他要找的地方。他停下了车问那位农夫，他的牛刚才拴在什么地方。在吉尔波特向农夫说明了他为什么想知道这个问题的答案之后，那位农夫把牛牵回来，把它拴在柱子止，所有的货都运到了此地。
A woman complained that her husband constantly hung around the house，doing or saying nothing. To please her, he went to see a psychiatrist.“Just lie down on the couch and we'll talk. "the doctor told him. "If you think of something to say, fine. If not，maybe next time.” 6park.com一位妇女总是抱怨其丈夫在家里转来转去，无所事是，为了使老婆高兴，他找到了精神病学专家。“你就躺在沙发上，我们来谈谈。”精神病医生告诉他:“如呆你想起什么就说，没有的话，下次再讲也行。” 6park.comThe guy got himself comfortable and fell fast asleep. At the end of the hour，the doctor woke him up and said，"That will be all for today—$100，please. "The patient paid and left. 6park.com这位男士舒适地躺在沙发上，很快就入睡了。到了一小时，大夫唤醒了他说:“今天就到这儿吧，请交100元。”病人付了钱之后就走了 6park.comThe man came back every Tuesday and Thursday after that. Each time，he fell asleep without saying a word，but paid the fee. The third week, the patient came in，sat down and then jumped right up again. "Aha,"， marveled the doctor. "Have you thought of something to say?" 6park.com从此，那个人每周三、四来就诊。每次，他总是一句话也不说，光是睡觉，而且每次都付钱。第三周，病人来后坐下，然后又跳了起来。“啊哈！”大夫惊喜道，“你想出要说的话了吗?” 6park.com"Yes，do you need a partner ?" 6park.com“是的，你需要一个助手吗?”
病人和他的大夫 6park.com
A boy of about ten was sitting on a city bus with a briefcase on his lap. Periodically the youngster would whisper into his coat. A woman passenger caught his eye with a quizzical look and，in response，the boy produced a small white mouse from his shirt pocket.”He's just a baby."explained the youngster. "His parents are in here. "Opening his briefcase，he brought forth a pair of slightly Larger. white mice from among a dozen or so that scurried around inside. By this time several other passengers had formed an audience, and the boy patiently explained his interest in mice，how to take care of them, their eating habits, their different personalities and so on. 6park.com一位十岁的男孩腿上放着会文箱，正坐在一辆城市公共汽车上。这个孩子不断地对着他衣服小声嘟嚷。一位女乘客从这个男孩的眼神里看到一种疑感。紧接着这个小男孩从他的衬衣兜里拿出一只小白鼠，并解绎说:“这是个鼠息子。他的父母也在这里。”打开他的手提箱，他从大约有十几个的白鼠中挑出一对稍大的。这时其他的乘客也围了过来。小男孩耐心地讲着他对白鼠的兴趣，怎样照顾它们，它们的饮食习惯及不同的特性。 6park.comAs the bus pulled up to his stop，the boy slipped the mice back into his briefcase and rose to leave his rapt audience. Starting down the steps，he turned back for a moment. "They are for my snake. "he said and disappeared out of the door. 6park.com待车在汽车站停下时，小男孩把小白鼠放回到手提箱，站起来，离开了这些着了迷的观众。他下车时转过身对大家说:“这些是用来喂我助蛇的。”说着，他就消失了。
驯兽童 6park.com
A father had four sons. One went to the big city, where he became a wealthy businessman，the other three remained in their home town. When their father passed away, the successful son was too busy to attend the funeral，but he told his brothers to spare no expense，since he would pay all the costs. 6park.com一位父亲有四个儿子。一个儿子到了大城市成了一位富商，另外三个儿子留在了家乡。当父亲过世时，有钱的儿子太忙无法前来参加葬礼。但他吩咐其兄弟们，不要舍不得花钱，一切费用由他来支付。 6park.comShortly thereafter，the wealthy son received an bill for $5,000 from the funeral director，which he paid. But every month afterward he got a bill for $27. Curious about this little item, he wrote to his brothers and asked the reason for the monthly charge. ”You told us that we should spare no expense，“his brothers wrote back. “Since you said Dad would like to be in style，we rented him a tuxedo." 6park.com事隔不久，做富商的儿子从殡仪馆主管那儿收到了一张5000美元的发票，他付了帐。从这以后，他每月都收到一张27美元的帐票。他对这笔微薄的开销有点儿好奇，于是就写信给其兄弟，想知道其中的原因。他的兄弟们写回信告诉他:“你告诉我们不必节省。既然你说爸爸的穿着要高稚脱俗，所以我们为他租了一套黑色礼服。”
昂贵的投资 6park.com
When the burglar broke into a seemingly empty room one night, a voice suddenly shattered the silence ;"I see you,and the saint sees you. " 6park.com一位窃贼一天夜里闯进一个好像没有人的空房子。突然寂静中传来一声:“我看见你了，圣人也看见你了。” 6park.comThe shaken thief took another tentative step.“I see you，”the voice said again:“and the saint sees you.“With that，the burglar shined his flashlight in the direction that the voice was coming from. There，in the circle of light，sat a parrot. 6park.com这位惊恐不安的贼又试图再走一步，那个声音又说:“我看见你了，圣人也看见你了。”听到声音，窃绒用手电照着声音所传来的方向。在那边儿，一束灯光下坐着一只鹦鹉。 6park.com"Dumb bird,!' the burglar uttered in relief.“ 6park.com该死的鸟，”窃贼像松了口气似地骂着。 6park.com"I see you，”the parrot repeated, ”and the saint sees you. " 6park.com“我看见你了。”鹦鹉重复地叨唠着:“圣人也看见你了。” 6park.com"Shut up，“the man snarled as he turned on a lamp， that's when he saw the menacing Doberman Pinscher sitting beside the parrot's perch，staring at him with glittering eyes. 6park.com“闭嘴，”窃贼边开灯，边喊叫着。这时他发现一条眼光咄咄逼人的构坐在鹦鹉旁。 6park.com" Sic' em，Saint,"squawked the parrot. 6park.com鹦鹉尖叫着:“圣人，扑呀！扑呀!”
聪明的鸟 6park.com
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon. As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. 6park.com牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时睡觉。一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人打瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好地教育他不要睡觉。 6park.comIn a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise，" Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering" Be seated"，the minister shouted at the top of his voice，"All those who want to be with the devil，please rise. " 6park.com他低声地对教徒们说:“想去天堂的人都站起来。”除打瞌睡的人外，每个人都站了起来。牧师说过请坐之后，高声喊道:“下地狱的请站起来!” 6park.comAwaking with a start，the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit,”Well，sir," he said.,"I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it." 6park.com打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声所惊醒，站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气地望着他。他说:“先生，我不知我们在选什么，但看上去你和我是唯一的侯选人。”
瞌睡之人 6park.com
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker:"Attention，passengers. We have lost one of our engines，but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately， we will arrive an hour late as a result. " 6park.com一架747客机正跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注意，我们四个引擎之中有一个丢失了。但利下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。不幸的是因此我们书晚到一小时。” 6park.comShortly thereafter，the passengers heard the captain's voice again:"Guess what，folks. We just lost our third engine，but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late. " 6park.com过了一会儿，旅客们又听到了机长的声音:“各位，你们猜怎么啦?”我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了，有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 6park.comAt this point，one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake,"he shouted，"If we lose another engine，we'll be up here all night !" 6park.com正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说:“看在上帝的扮止，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们会整夜都呆在天上了。”
只剩一个引擎 6park.com
There was once a large，fat woman who had a small，thin husband. He had a job in a big company and was given his weekly wages every Friday evening. As soon as he got home on Fridays，his wife used to make hirn give her all his money，and then she used to give him back only enough to buy his lunch in the office every day. 6park.com曾有一位块儿大、膘肥的女人，她的丈夫却是瘦小、干瘪。丈夫是在一家大公司做事。每到周五晚上领到工资，也正是周五这位丈夫回家时，老婆就让他把所有钱都交出来，然后再给他一点儿在办公室吃午饭的钱。 6park.comOne day the small man came home very excited. He hurried into the living-room. His wife was listening to the radio and eating chocolates.”You'll never guess what happened to me today，dear,"he said. He waited for a few seconds and then added:“I won ten thousand pounds on the lottery!” 6park.com一天，这位小丈夫回到家，兴奋得不得了。他匆匆忙忙地来到起居室。他老婆正在那儿听广播，吃巧克力。“亲爱的，你永远也猜不到我今天怎么了，”他说道，过了数秒钟他又说:“我中了一万英磅的彩票。” 6park.com"That's wonderful!"said his wife delightedly. But then she thought for a few seconds and added angrily，"But wait a moment! How could you afford to buy the ticket?". 6park.com“太棒了!”他老婆非常高兴地说。但她又沉思了一会儿并气愤地问:“你说说，你拿什么钱买的彩票?”
守财奴 6park.com
The waiter left and returned quickly.“I'm sorry, sir，but we've just run out of a dinosaur.” 6park.com服务员离开了，又很快回来了。“对不起，先生，我们的恐龙菜刚卖完。” 6park.com" What?" said the diner with feigned disappointment."No dinosaur?" 6park.com“什么?”顾客气愤地说:“没有恐龙?”
没有恐龙 6park.com
The waiter lowered his voice. "Well，we do have some left，“he whispered confidentially,"...but it's not very fresh and I won't serve it!” 6park.com那服务员低声地说:“我们的确还剩一些。”他显得作常自信的样子。“但恐龙肉有点儿不太鲜了，所以我们还是不给您上这道菜的好。”
Not long after my sister's wedding，one of my father's colleagues and his wife dropped in to see Mom and Dad.The guests had not been invited to the wedding, so when the woman said，”I'm sorry I didn't get over to the church the other day，”Mom assumed she meant the church's Good Cheer Club Tea and Bazaar. 6park.com我妹妹婚后不久，我父亲的同事夫妇俩顺便来看我父母。这两个客人没被邀请出席婚礼。所以那位女士说:“真遗憾，那天我没有去教堂。”我妈妈以为她的意思是没有来参加喝彩俱乐部所招待的茶和甩卖活动。 6park.com"I'rn glad you didn't.”Mom replied.”You never saw such a mob scene!""I thought I'd like to see how everyone was dressed，"the guest said."What did you wear?" 6park.com我妈妈回答说:“你没有来太好了，免得你看那片乱哄哄的景色.”客人说:“我原打算看看大家穿得如何，你那天穿的是什么?’， 6park.com"Just my old navy print and my oxfords,“ said Mom，"and a good thing，too，as we cleared almost a thousand dollars. " 6park.com妈妈说:“就是那套老式的海军呢和我的牛津服呗。值得一提的是，我们挣了一千多块钱。” 6park.com"Did you take a collection?" the woman gasped. 6park.com“你们收了赠款了吗?”那位女士惊奇池问。 6park.com"Oh, no，“said Mom，"you know how it is，a lot of people come just to look and you don't make a thing out of them，so we decided to charge admission at the door.” 6park.com“噢，没有，”妈妈说:“你知道怎么着，许多人只是来看热闹，你从他们身上是分文也得不到的，所以我们决定收门票。” 6park.comAt this point Dad realized signals were crossed，and he suggested to Mom that she explain that my sister's wedding had been neither a mob scene nor a profit-making venture. 6park.com说到这儿，爸爸觉得意思搞误会了。他建议妈妈解释一下，我妹妹的婚礼既不是哄乱，也没收取任何钱财。
有趣的假设 6park.com
After two sleepless nights in a noisy campground，my wife and I were dreading another evening of radios and singslongs. Then a middle-aged couple pulled into the space beside us. While the wife prepared dinner，her husband mounted two huge loud speakers on the roof of their camper. We crouched by our fire,waiting for the first blast of whatever these people considered music. To our surprise,the speakers remained silent，and just as the partiers were getting into full swing，our neighbors retired for the evening. We decided to do the same，although there seemed little chance of sleeping. 6park.com吵闹的宿营地使我和我老婆两个晚上都无法入睡。我们真担心第三个晚上的收音机声和唱歌声。接着，一对中年夫妇又在我们的附近找到了块儿地方呆了下来。女的做饭时，男的在他的帐顶上架起两个扩音器。我们围火而坐，等待着音乐一响出现的第一次喧闹。出乎我们的意料，扩音器没有任何声响。正当参加舞会的人进入高潮时，我们的这两位邻居已开始休息了。虽然我们睡意还未到，我们还是决定睡觉。 6park.comAs our tent was throbbing to a rock number，a low moan became audible，developing into an unmistakable wolf howl. It was soon joined by others in rising and falling harmonies. After reaching peak volume，the wild chorus faded quickly to utter silence. The campground was deathly quiet for what seemed like ages，and then a deep but pleasant voice said，"Relax，folks，it's just a recording. Good night." 6park.com我们的帐篷随着摇滚乐在颤动，这时好像还伴随着呜咽声，靳渐地这种叫声已无疑地变成了儿狼嚎。这种狼嚎声很快又掺进了其他的此起彼伏的和弦，一直到了极点。之后这种疯狂的叫喊声刹然而止，整个营地好像度过了几个时代的死一般的寂静后，一个深沉而又悦耳的声音传了出来:“各位，别紧张，这只是录音，晚安。”
狼的故事 6park.com
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