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How to practice emotional first aid
Now, one thing about being a twin is, it makes you an expert at spotting favoritism.
I grew up with my identical twin, who was an incredibly loving brother.
我和我的双胞胎哥哥一起长大，他是个富有爱心的好兄弟。 6park.com
要知道，作为双胞胎，你很快就在一件事上成为专家，就是注意到偏爱。 6park.comIf his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions. And clearly, I wasn't starving.
如果他的饼干比我的大，哪怕一点点，我就会质疑。当然我也没被饿着。 6park.comWhen I became a psychologist, I began to notice favoritism of a different kind;
当我成为一个心理学家，我开始注意到另一种不同的偏爱， 6park.comand that is, how much more we value the body than we do the mind.
那就是我们赋予我们的身体比精神更多的价值。 6park.comI spent nine years at university earning my doctorate in psychology,
我花了九年时间获得心理学博士学位， 6park.comand I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say,
但不知道有多少人看了我的名片说， 6park.com"Oh -- a psychologist. So, not a real doctor," as if it should say that on my card.[Dr. Guy Winch, Just a Psychologist (Not a Real Doctor)]
“哦，心理学家，原来不是真正的医生。”就好像我的名片上就该明确说明似的。 6park.comThis favoritism we show the body over the mind -- I see it everywhere.
这种对身体多于精神的偏爱随处可见。 6park.comI recently was at a friend's house, and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed.
我最近在朋友家，他们五岁的小孩准备上床睡觉。 6park.comHe was standing on a stool by the sink, brushing his teeth, when he slipped and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell.
他站在小凳子上，在水池边刷牙， 然后他滑了一下，摔倒的时候刮了他的腿。 6park.comHe cried for a minute, but then he got back up, got back on the stool, and reached out for a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
他哭了一下，随后就爬起来了，站回小凳子上，拿了一个创可贴贴在他的伤口上。 6park.comNow, this kid could barely tie his shoelaces, but he knew you have to cover a cut so it doesn't become infected,
这孩子刚学会系鞋带儿，但他都知道要保护伤口以免感染， 6park.comand you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day.
同时还要一天刷两次牙来保护牙齿。 6park.comWe all know how to maintain our physical health and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
我们都知道怎样保持身体的健康，还有怎样保持牙齿卫生，对不对？ 6park.comWe've known it since we were five years old. But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health?
我们从五岁起就知道这些东西了。但是我们知道怎样保持精神上的健康吗？ 6park.comWell, nothing. What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene?
完全不知道。我们教给孩子们情绪保健吗？ 6park.comNothing. How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than we do our minds?
完全没有。为什么我们花在牙齿的时间比花在精神的时间上还多呢？ 6park.comWhy is it that our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health?
为什么我们那么重视身体健康远远多于心理健康呢？ 6park.comWe sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness.
我们承受心理上的伤害比身体上的多得多，例如失败，被拒绝，孤独。 6park.comAnd they can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways.
如果我们忽视它们，情况也会恶化，它们同样会给我们的生活带来重大的影响。 6park.comAnd yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't.
然而，虽然有科学证实的疗法来帮助我们治疗这些心理上的伤害， 我们却不采取行动。 6park.comIt doesn't even occur to us that we should. "Oh, you're feeling depressed?
我们甚至都没意识到我们应该采取行动。“哦，你感到抑郁么？ 6park.comJust shake it off; it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg:
别去想了，都在你脑袋里。”你能想象对一个骨折了的人说这样的话吗？ 6park.com"Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg."It is time we closed the gap between our physical and our psychological health.
“哦，走走就好了，都在你腿上。”我们应该消除这种对身体和精神健康的区别对待。 6park.comIt's time we made them more equal, more like twins.
应该把两者对等起来，像双胞胎一样。 6park.comSpeaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist. So he's not a real doctor, either.
说起双胞胎，我哥哥也是个心理医生。所以他也不是真正的医生。 6park.comWe didn't study together, though.
我们不是在一起上的学。 6park.comIn fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life is move across the Atlantic to New York City to get my doctorate in psychology.
事实上，我这辈子经历过的最困难的事就是跨过大西洋搬到纽约来读心理学的博士学位。 6park.comWe were apart then for the first time in our lives, and the separation was brutal for both of us.
那是我们俩第一次分隔两地，这个分离对我俩来说都很残酷。 6park.comBut while he remained among family and friends, I was alone in a new country.
当他和家人朋友一起时，我却孤单的在一个新的国度。 6park.comWe missed each other terribly, but international phone calls were really expensive then, and we could only afford to speak for five minutes a week.
我们都非常想念对方，但那时候国际长途都很贵，我们一周只打的起五分钟的电话。 6park.comWhen our birthday rolled around, it was the first we wouldn't be spending together. We decided to splurge, and that week, we would talk for 10 minutes.
当我们生日快到了的时候，那是我们第一个没在一起过的生日。我们决定奢侈一把，在那个星期聊上十分钟。 6park.comI spent the morning pacing around my room, waiting for him to call -- and waiting ... and waiting.
我那天早上在房间里踱来踱去，等着我哥哥给我打过来－我等啊等啊， 6park.comBut the phone didn't ring. Given the time difference, I assumed, "OK, he's out with friends, he'll call later."
电话就是不响。由于时差的关系，我就想，“好吧，他一定是和朋友在一起，他晚点儿会打来的。” 6park.comThere were no cell phones then. But he didn't.
那时候也没有手机。但他始终没打来。 6park.comAnd I began to realize that after being away for over 10 months, he no longer missed me the way I missed him.
我开始意识到，在我离开十个月以后，他不再像我想他那样想我了。 6park.comI knew he would call in the morning, but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life.
我知道他早上会打来，但那一晚是我一生中最伤心、最漫长的一晚。 6park.comI woke up the next morning. I glanced down at the phone, and I realized I had kicked it off the hook when pacing the day before.
第二天一早醒来，我瞅了一眼电话，我意识到，来回踱步时我把电话线踹下来了。 6park.comI stumbled out of bed, I put the phone back on the receiver, and it rang a second later.
我迷迷糊糊的跳下床，我刚把电话插回接口，一秒钟之后电话就响了。 6park.comAnd it was my brother, and boy, was he pissed.
是我哥哥，他可气坏了。 6park.comIt was the saddest and longest night of his life as well. Now, I tried to explain what happened,
那也是他一生中最伤心漫长的一夜。当我跟他解释事情的经过， 6park.combut he said, "I don't understand. If you saw I wasn't calling you, why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?"
他说，“我不明白。你看我没给你打， 你为什么不打给我呢？” 6park.comHe was right. Why didn't I call him? I didn't have an answer then. But I do today, and it's a simple one: loneliness.
他说的对。我为什么不打给他呢？我当时无法解释，但我现在明白了，非常简单的原因：孤独。 6park.comLoneliness creates a deep psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking.
孤独导致深重的心理创伤，扭曲我们的感知能力，剥夺我们的思考能力。 6park.comIt makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do.
它使我们相信身边的人不再在乎我们。 6park.comIt make us really afraid to reach out, because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand?
它使我们不敢与人联络，为什么给自取其辱被拒绝呢？你的心痛的还不够多么？ 6park.comI was in the grips of real loneliness back then, but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me.
我那个时候被孤独紧紧包裹着，但我总和别人在一起，我自己都没意识到。 6park.comBut loneliness is defined purely subjectively. It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you.
但孤独是完全从主观上定义的。它完全取决于你是否觉得在情绪上或是交际上和你周围的人相隔绝。 6park.comAnd I did. There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying.
我当时是这样的。我们有很多关于孤独的研究，都很可怕。 6park.comLoneliness won't just make you miserable; it will kill you. I'm not kidding.
孤独不仅让你觉得凄惨，它还可能致死。我可不是开玩笑。 6park.comChronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death by 14 percent. Fourteen percent!
长期的孤独会增加你早逝的可能性高达14%之多。 6park.comLoneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol.
孤独可能导致高血压，高胆固醇。 6park.comIt even suppress the functioning of your immune system, making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases.
它甚至会影响你的免疫系统，使你容易患上各种疾病。 6park.comIn fact, scientists have concluded that taken together, chronic loneliness poses as significant a risk for your long-term health and longevity as cigarette smoking.
事实上，科学家已经得出结论，长期的孤独对你的健康和长寿的负面影响比抽烟还要糟。 6park.comNow, cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you." But loneliness doesn't.
香烟的包装上还有“吸烟致命”的警句。可孤独没有。 6park.comAnd that's why it's so important that we prioritize our psychological health, that we practice emotional hygiene.
这就是我们为什么要重视心理健康，要注意保持情绪健康。 6park.comBecause you can't treat a psychological wound if you don't even know you're injured.
因为，你无法治愈心理上的创伤，如果你都不知道自己受到了伤害的话。 6park.comLoneliness isn't the only psychological wound that distorts our perceptions and misleads us.
孤独不是唯一可能扭曲及误导我们的心理创伤。 6park.comFailure does that as well. I once visited a day care center, where I saw three toddlers play with identical plastic toys.
失败也有同样效果。我曾访问过一个幼儿园，在那儿我观察了三个儿童，在玩完全一样的塑料玩具。 6park.comYou had to slide the red button, and a cute doggie would pop out. One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it,
你得把一个红色的钮滑开，然后一个可爱的小狗就会跳出来。一个小女孩对紫色的钮又拉又按， 6park.comand then she just sat back and looked at the box with her lower lip trembling.
然后她就坐下来，瞧着那盒子，下嘴唇开始发颤。 6park.comThe little boy next to her watched this happen, then turned to his box and burst into tears without even touching it.
她旁边的一个小男孩看到这一幕，再看着他的盒子，都没动手就哇哇大哭了。 6park.comMeanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of until she slid the red button, the cute doggie popped out, and she squealed with delight.
与此同时，另一个小女孩试了各种方法，直到她滑动了那个红钮，可爱的小狗跳了出来，她开心的叫了起来。 6park.comSo: three toddlers with identical plastic toys, but with very different reactions to failure.
同样的塑料玩具给了这三个幼儿，但他们对失败的反应截然不同。 6park.comThe first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button.
前两个小孩完全有能力滑动那个红钮。 6park.comThe only thing that prevented them from succeeding was that their mind tricked them into believing they could not.
唯一阻止他们成功的因素就是他们被自己做不成的想法给骗了。 6park.comNow, adults get tricked this way as well, all the time.
成年人也经常中这样的圈套。 6park.comIn fact, we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs that gets triggered whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks.
事实上，我们都有一个固定的思维感知模式，每当我们感到沮丧，受到挫折，我们便会进入这个模式。 6park.comAre you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? You need to be.
你清不清楚你是怎么对应失败的？你应该清楚。 6park.comBecause if your mind tries to convince you you're incapable of something, and you believe it,
因为如果你的头脑告诉你，你不能做成什么事，而你相信了的话， 6park.comthen like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless and you'll stop trying too soon, or you won't even try at all.
你就会像那前两个小孩似的，开始感到无助然后你很快就放弃了，甚至都不去试一下。 6park.comAnd then you'll be even more convinced you can't succeed. You see, that's why so many people function below their actual potential.
然后你就更加确信你成功不了。你看，这就是为什么那么多人都无法充分发挥他们的潜能。 6park.comBecause somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure convinced them that they couldn't succeed, and they believed it.
因为不一定在什么地方，有那么一次失败让他们认定了自己不能成功。 6park.comOnce we become convinced of something, it's very difficult to change our mind.
我们一旦被某件事说服，往往就很难改变主意。 6park.comI learned that lesson the hard way when I was a teenager with my brother.
我十几岁的时候，和我哥哥一起，吃了点苦头才明白这道理。 6park.comWe were driving with friends down a dark road at night, when a police car stopped us.
有一天晚上，我俩和朋友们在一条很黑的路上开着车。一辆警车把我们拦下了。 6park.comThere had been a robbery in the area and they were looking for suspects.
附近发生了抢劫，警察在追踪嫌犯。 6park.comThe officer approached the car, and shined his flashlight on the driver, then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me.
警察走到车边，对司机晃了晃手电筒，又照了照坐在副驾驶的我哥哥，然后照到了我。 6park.comAnd his eyes opened wide and he said, "Where have I seen your face before?"
他瞪大了眼睛说得，“我在哪儿见过你？” 6park.comAnd I said, "In the front seat."But that made no sense to him whatsoever, so now he thought I was on drugs.
我说，“副驾驶座上。”但对他来说，我的回答莫名其妙。所以他认为我嗑了药。 6park.comSo he drags me out of the car, he searches me, he marches me over to the police car,
于是他把我拖出车子，又搜了我的身，他把我押到警车那儿， 6park.comand only when he verified I didn't have a police record, could I show him I had a twin in the front seat.
直到他验证了我并没有犯罪记录，我才有机会解释，我和副驾驶座位上的是双胞胎。 6park.comBut even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face he was convinced that I was getting away with something.
但是直到我们开走了，你仍可以看到他的表情，他认定我一定干了什么坏事。 6park.comOur mind is hard to change once we become convinced. So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail.
一旦我们认定了的事情，我们很难改变看法。所以当你失败了，感觉士气低落是很自然的。 6park.comBut you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed. You have to fight feelings of helplessness.
但是你不能允许自己相信你不可能成功。你要和那种无助的感觉斗争。 6park.comYou have to gain control over the situation. And you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins.
你要重新控制局面。而且你必须在这种负能量循环开始前打破它。 6park.comOur minds and our feelings -- they're not the trustworthy friends we thought they were.
我们的想法和感觉，它们不是像我们想象的那么忠诚的朋友。 6park.comThey're more like a really moody friend, who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next.
它们更像是一个非常情绪化的朋友，有时非常支持你，而有时令人不愉快。 6park.comI once worked with this woman who, after 20 years marriage and an extremely ugly divorce, was finally ready for her first date.
我以前的一个女同事，她结婚20年之后离婚了，婚离的很惨烈，然后她终于准备好开始新的约会了。 6park.comShe had met this guy online, and he seemed nice and he seemed successful, and most importantly, he seemed really into her.
她在网上认识了这个男的。他看上去人很好，也很成功，最重要的是，他似乎对她非常感兴趣。 6park.comSo she was very excited, she bought a new dress, and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink.
她非常兴奋，还为约会买了新裙子，然后他们约在纽约的一个高级酒吧里喝一杯。 6park.comTen minutes into the date, the man stands up and says, "I'm not interested," and walks out. Rejection is extremely painful.
约会才进行了10分钟，那位男士站起来说，“我没兴趣了，”然后就走了。被拒绝是极其痛苦的。 6park.comThe woman was so hurt she couldn't move. All she could do was call a friend. Here's what the friend said:
这位女士非常受伤，以致于都动不了了。于是她给一个朋友打电话。她朋友是这样说的： 6park.com"Well, what do you expect? You have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say.
“那你还想怎样？你又胖又没有什么好聊的， 6park.comWhy would a handsome, successful man like that ever go out with a loser like you?" Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel?
为什么任何一个英俊的成功男士会和你这样的失败者约会呢？“ 太不像话了，是不是，朋友怎么可以这样冷酷无情？ 6park.comBut it would be much less shocking if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that. It's what the woman said to herself.
这或许听上去不太过分，要是我告诉你这话不是朋友说的。这其实是那位女士对她自己说的。 6park.comAnd that's something we all do, especially after a rejection.
我们都干过这事儿，尤其是被拒绝之后。 6park.comWe all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings, what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't. We call ourselves names.
我们开始去想我们犯的错，我们的缺点，我们要是这样就好了，我们要是不那样就好了，我们给自己起外号。 6park.comMaybe not as harshly, but we all do it. And it's interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting.
也许程度不同，但我们都干过这事。我们为什么会这样做。我们的自尊已经被伤害了。 6park.comWhy would we want to go and damage it even further? We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose.
为什么我们要进一步伤害它呢？要是身体受伤了，我们不会故意去把它弄的更糟。 6park.comYou wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide, "Oh! I know -- I'm going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it."
你要是胳膊上有个伤口，你不会说，“啊，我知道！我要拿刀看我到底能捅多深。“ 6park.comBut we do that with psychological injuries all the time. Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
但是我们经常如此对待心理伤害。为什么？由于糟糕的心理保健意识。 6park.comBecause we don't prioritize our psychological health. We know from dozens of studies that when your self-esteem is lower,
因为我们不重视心理健康。很多研究表明，如果你的自尊心低落， 6park.comyou are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety; that failures and rejections hurt more,
你就更容易感到压力和焦虑， 失败和拒绝会伤害你更深， 6park.comand it takes longer to recover from them. So when you get rejected,
你也需要更多的时间复原。所以如果你被拒绝了， 6park.comthe first thing you should be doing is to revive your self-esteem, not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
首要的事情是应该重新激活你的自尊心，而不是去拳击俱乐部打拳来发泄。 6park.comWhen you're in emotional pain, treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend.
当你在经历感情上痛苦，像一个真正的好朋友那样同情你自己。 6park.comWe have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them.
我们需要改变不健康的心理习惯。 6park.comAnd one of unhealthiest and most common is called rumination. To ruminate means to chew over.
最常见又最不健康的习惯之一就是穷思竭虑。就是事后反复咀嚼回味一件事。 6park.comIt's when your boss yells at you or your professor makes you feel stupid in class,
比如你的老板冲你发脾气了，或是教授在课上让你感到愚蠢， 6park.comor you have big fight with a friend and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days, sometimes for weeks on end.
或是你和好朋友吵架了，然后你不断的在脑海里回放当时的情况，好几天，甚至好几个礼拜都不停。 6park.comNow, ruminating about upsetting events in this way can easily become a habit, and it's a very costly one,
反复回味不愉快的事很容易变成习惯，而这个习惯代价很大。 6park.combecause by spending so much time focused on upsetting and negative thoughts,
因为当你在不愉快和负面的事情上花这么多时间， 6park.comyou are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing clinical depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, and even cardiovascular disease.
你把自己放在一个非常危险的境地，可能诱发抑郁症，酗酒，饮食失调，甚至心血管疾病。 6park.comThe problem is, the urge to ruminate can feel really strong and really important, so it's a difficult habit to stop.
问题在于那种反复回味的需要会变得非常强烈，非常紧迫，所以这种习惯会很难打破。 6park.comI know this for a fact, because a little over a year ago, I developed the habit myself.
我知道事实如此，因为就在一年多以前，我自己就经历了这个习惯。 6park.comYou see, my twin brother was diagnosed with stage 3 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. His cancer was extremely aggressive.
我的双胞胎哥哥被确诊为三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。他的癌症来势汹汹。 6park.comHe had visible tumors all over his body. And he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy.
全身都有看得到的肿瘤。他要做一轮大剂量的化疗。 6park.comAnd I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through. I couldn't stop thinking about how much he was suffering,
我情不自禁去想他所经历的这一切。情不自禁去想他受的这些罪， 6park.comeven though he never complained, not once. He had this incredibly positive attitude.
尽管他从没抱怨过，一次都没有。他有着这种不可思议的积极态度。 6park.comHis psychological health was amazing. I was physically healthy, but psychologically, I was a mess.
他的心理健康程度太了不起了。我身体上很健康，但心理上我那时是一团糟。 6park.comBut I knew what to do. Studies tell us that even a two-minute distraction is sufficient to break the urge to ruminate in that moment.
但我知道该怎样做。研究表明，哪怕只是分心短短两分钟都足以打破那一刻你穷思竭虑的需求。 6park.comAnd so each time I had a worrying, upsetting, negative thought, I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed.
所以每次当我担心，烦恼，或带有负面情绪时，我就强迫自己专注于其他的事情，直到那种感觉过去。 6park.comAnd within one week, my whole outlook changed and became more positive and more hopeful.
仅仅一周时间，我的视角就全变了，变得更积极，更充满希望。 6park.comNine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had a CAT scan, and I was by his side when he got the results. All the tumors were gone.
做了化疗九周之后，我哥哥做了电脑断层扫描，出结果的时候，我就在他身边。所有的肿瘤都消失了。 6park.comHe still had three more rounds of chemotherapy to go, but we knew he would recover. This picture was taken two weeks ago.
他还得再做三轮化疗，但是我们知道他能恢复。这张照片是两周前照的。 6park.comBy taking action when you're lonely, by changing your responses to failure, by protecting your self-esteem, by battling negative thinking,
当你在孤独的时候采取行动，当你改变对待失败的反应，当你保护自己的自尊心，当你与负面的想法做斗争， 6park.comyou won't just heal your psychological wounds, you will build emotional resilience, you will thrive.
你不仅可以治愈心理上的创伤，你会建立起情绪恢复能力，你会变得更强。 6park.comA hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades.
一百年以前，人们开始注重个人卫生，人的寿命延长了50%还多，这仅用了十年就实现了。 6park.comI believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practicing emotional hygiene.
我相信，我们的生活质量也会有同样程度的提高，如果我们开始关注情绪上的保健。 6park.comCan you imagine what the world would be like if everyone was psychologically healthier?
能想象一下么，这个世界会是什么样子。如果每个人都在心理上更健康， 6park.comIf there were less loneliness and less depression? If people knew how to overcome failure?
如果世上少一些孤独和抑郁，如果人们了解如何走出失败的阴影， 6park.comIf they felt better about themselves and more empowered? If they were happier and more fulfilled?
如果人们更自信、充满力量。如果人们更幸福、更满足。 6park.comI can, because that's the world I want to live in. And that's the world my brother wants to live in as well.
我能，因为那是一个我想置身其中的世界，也是我哥哥想置身其中的世界。 6park.comAnd if you just become informed and change a few simple habits, well -- that's the world we can all live in.
只要你了解这些知识，并改变一些简单的习惯，那将是一个我们都能置身其中的世界。 6park.comThank you very much.
非常感谢。
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